Animal In Me

It was on benjamin's birthday, that night I didn't know what to do. Ben was sick for a month, the whole month it was a series of sickness, one healed and another one kicked in. I was mentally exhausted, part of the reason also no one supported me. My parents would still give ben junk as they think small piece wouldn't kill and hubby acted as a doer (whatever you say I will do). If I do not say he will not move, it's like none of his business because I'm home and sick boy is my business. Previous day I had ben do 3 times nebulizer because the phlegm sounded very very sticky, the last dose at night makes his skin on the face red, very red ... I was again very worried. The next day which is his birthday I didn't do any until night time, he couldn't sleep well due to coughing, I ask hubby what shall I do. He give me usual reaction which I hated and told me If you know what to do just do it don't ask me. I felt devastated. 

I tried double boiled pear for 2 days, it didn't make ben sound better. So I tried 1 day bird nest, it didn't make him sound better too. I then tried 3 full nebulizer course, it did sound a little better, so I continue bird nest but his phlegm still bad. Shall I continue nebulizer as his skin already get irritated by nebulizer medicine. Hubby answer makes me feel like i want to kill him. The whole episode starts, I hit him and he doesn't want to hit me, so he spit saliva on my face. I felt like being humiliated cos no one ever spit saliva on my face before. I started to bite him with my teeth and also grab his shirts and bite his shirt with my teeth, I feel like an animal but I don't care I keep on doing it until my son open his eyes. 

We then went out the room and continue arguing and I want to hit him somemore. When we are at the family hall where my clear quartz are, I feel less animal and started to talk. I told him lets go on separate ways as I know this is not working, I 'know' how a family should be like and we both cannot contribute to that. Not all family has ugly stories if you allow it to happen, and I lost control because when I'm infront of you, I feel like an animal reacting to what you did to me. I go back to bed, hold my womb and asked if I've been possessed, why i've acted that way. It told me, I've been very angry, all my past life - hitting is the only way to release my anger. Conscious change is needed. 

Next day, hubby had diarrhea (he said due to the japanese food he ate) but all of us are fine. Hitting people with my bare hands do not seems to be toxic but deep inside my heart I know it's very toxic as I have transferred all the anger energetically to the other person's energy field unconsciously. Hubby diarrhea I know part of my fault. I hit andrea the other day because both of them fighting while I'm driving and I warned andrea stop it as I would have car accident. Suddenly benjamin no more sound, I shouted "WHAT HAPPENED". Ben cannot answer, andrea use the full water bottle and hit benjamin's eye. I couldn't stop at the road side as I'm at NKVE, I drove 10km later and arrive at petrol station, I take off my seat belt and just hit andrea with both of my hands without thinking. Came back my fingers are blue black, I checked her body no blue black. I thank god that it didn't hurt her but only my finger. The next day, she developed rashes on the chest and shoulder where I hit her, not serious only itch abit and went away after 2 days. I know it's me. My next lesson is to stop hitting. To break the pattern that has been with me for thousand lifetime. 

On sunday hubby had diarrhea, I asked if I can go to temple. I feel a need to go temple, I gave a reason I wanted to buy a book which i saw from SN page the other day. I ask God, if today i need to go pls give me smooth journey. 1st I asked hubby he said OK, 2nd I asked mum she said OK. 3rd we arrived there no parking I felt sad and tell GOD, you ask me to come here and no parking? Mum then ask me to go down she will wait for me outside, I then park my car infront of the temple and I get down. I thought to myself maybe mum don't need to pray, so I went to the bookstore. After bought that book, mum called and said she got a parking. Off we went to buddha and pray. Even before I kneel down I feel like crying, once I kneel down my tears roll down non stop. I ask buddha, you have sent me this far, this is the toughest healing I need to over come, hitting ppl is not within my control, I know it's bad especially I have seriously high vibration that I can break ppl's aura, pls tell me what to do, I pled. I tell buddha the animal feeling is so real (i can feel the feeling of being an animal myself in past life) and I do not want to go back there again, I told buddha my children are tough children, ben never been well since he's born - he has internal sickness which I do not know what, his face qi can tell and he has this low immune system viens on his temple, this sickness I do not know when it will explode but I 'know' he is not well inside energetically. andrea is such a temperamental girl, I know music is good for her but there is no music teacher for me to bring her to and she doesnt' want to be a big sister, all she wants to do is to fight with benjamin. My hubby, honestly I do not know him, maybe he is here for me to learn this toughest lesson in my life. Then only I can move on.

I asked buddha for wisdom handling my 2 children and healing to hubby and benjamin.