Random

My husband especially says that I am very naive, often likes to challenge me. I have been thru alot with my maid, I've gone into insanity many times because lack of support from hubby. He thinks I'm just naive and always blame me for not being mature enough to handle the maid. He even says that I do not have the quality of becoming a people mgr. My self confident very much slash into half by him, my parents were not mean to me, however they were not very emotionally supportive too. I take it as my karma. I really love my friend esther told me that "if i worry and thinking too much without stepping out, everything will remains the same". I really do not want to remain the same. I know the root cause is that my husband and my mum has been putting me down for their own benefit. Who really cares about me? Only the God within. 

I've learnt so much to be with at peace with my maid. My husband said where got employer like this always shout and hit the maid. Just say once then ignore will do. My mum said why I teach my maid like teaching my own daughter. I seriously do not know my identity anymore, for the 1st time I live my life under people's shadow where i hate every minute of my life. I would sleep at 8-9pm every night. My husband would say i need to take care of the family. With lack of emotional support, it seems that i cannot go very far either. I always asked what's wrong and I never get any answer because of the manipulation from hubby and mum. 

I then tell myself the only choice is to please both of them and make peace with the maid. I did many stupid things like apologize to the maid and thought promising her and she promise me would help. I tried everything that i can, to save the relationship. 4 days consecutively she made mistake, which involved my kids. I then ask myself, do i want to do this lecturing everyday I come back and listen to her sorry everyday? Do i want my 2012 to be only lecturing and sorry and sleep at 9pm every night? I ask ISIS what should I do? I ask Maat to flow my salary income to me even I stop working, if I deserve it. I ask sekhmet to transform my life and to burn all the negative imprints. I ask Kuan Yin to heal my heart. 

For me to let go of my salary income is a real pain to me. My husband doesn't sound supportive, i need to live under fear because of it. Dear Maat, if this is mine, please make it easy for me.