28 February 2013

Down Time

1 month ago, I felt I need to be at ease when hubby is not around. Hence I did my root canal (although I really didn't want to), hoping when he is away I won't feel pain and scold the kids too much due to irritation, I needed a peaceful environment when I'm alone with the kids. Alot of What if pops out, hence I solve the problem which I think might gave me problem. 

2 weeks down the road, my parents told me they are going to ipoh same date where hubby is not around. I felt so naked (no more protection), but I told myself, they have their own life and I should be independent. Leave my life to GOD and everything will turn out just fine. 

When comes nearer to the date where hubby is leaving (tomorrow), I had extreme discomfort. I suppressed it. I'm very happy that I did not force hubby not to go. The heart of letting go and transforming is taking into place I can feel. For better or for worse I do not know, I let it be. For I trust in GOD for my soul growth. 

I have always threaten hubby for a divorce, Yes I do really feel I needed one, but I always ended up don't know what to do. I drove out when in anger but I don't know where to go, I stop at road side then turn back less than 30min. I'm still a child needed protection very much even at present - i need to feel safe. My parents protected me so much which I felt really blessed, my husband helps me alot but he never takes care of my emotional wellbeing or he doesn't know how to handle it. I take it as my soul growth. 

I have thought to myself, didn't he knows I need someone there to make me feel comfort. My parents are not in and he is so far away for company holiday trip, what am I left with? Naked with 2 eggs to protect. I needed to send them to classes whole of saturday and the risk is high. What if car broke down, what if one of them is sick, what if accident, what if I am the one who has accident ... who should I call? These invisible stress are killing me but I know I must overcome it and surrender it to GOD. 

God told me, this is the 1st step for life transformation. Just like any other relationship I had before, circumstances transformed me, we leave the old behind and search for the truth. Thinking of having to leave the relationship saddens me, but if it is your time to Go/transform/Die, you have to do it. Divine Timing it is. I pray that I could be stronger. 

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