sisterhood

Younger days, we fight alot, I even broke her glasses and cause her baby finger crooked. I do feel bad afterwards, but when fighting I guess I lost my consciousness. SP has this attitude of 'bullying punishment' star. She show anger by giving you black face and can become super ignorant, she also thinks that the whole world is against her when she feels upset. I've ignore her when I was younger because I have kim, so to ignore and get her out of my mind is pretty easy. 

After so many years, more than 20 years, this feeling of being ignored (not respected) came back. The story is long and I do not want to give energy to it. All in all, I cannot let go the feeling of being upset and wanted to stay away from her, how can I when I do not know her work schedule. One day I walked into their house not knowing she is in there, I 'pretend' and smile and quickly make my way home. I kind of good in pretending nowadays, especially after the incident where my mum decided to abandon me few years ago. I notice myself picking up pretending skills to show the front to my mum, I get confuse after that, I thought I have love for my mum for the things I have done for 2-3 years. Until that day she went for surgery, I couldn't chant for her, all I did was saying prayers ONLY. you know chanting needs total focus/ concentration for 10 min, I couldn't do it. I sit back quietly, highself ask me to tell myself "i love my mum". I repeat this phrase for 50-100 times?? Not sure, but until I feel the love and connection with her. The blocked love energy flowed again after that, I feel a different feeling when I see my mum in person. "pretending" brings me no where and it does not connect me to the core, and I confuse my true self too (and blocked the love energy in within). I notice I'm doing that now with SP. I broke down and cry infront of mum today. 

as usual mum will be mum. Things just said and done, cannot expect much. I just do not want to 'pretend' anymore, because I do not want to confuse myself again. I do not want to step into this hole again. I beg my mum to tell me not to come over when SP is there. SP hates my husband and so be it. She feels comfortable to show black face and prefer to live in a non-harmony environment, it's really her choice. I pray to god that I have some space to distance myself for negative beings as there are many more things in life to focus on than having to live in denial and unhappiness everyday. I pray to GOD this will be done and never have bad influence by my heavy karmic family bloodline again. Let me be strong and with alot of wisdom knowing what to do. So it is. Thank You!