Down Time

1 month ago, I felt I need to be at ease when hubby is not around. Hence I did my root canal (although I really didn't want to), hoping when he is away I won't feel pain and scold the kids too much due to irritation, I needed a peaceful environment when I'm alone with the kids. Alot of What if pops out, hence I solve the problem which I think might gave me problem. 

2 weeks down the road, my parents told me they are going to ipoh same date where hubby is not around. I felt so naked (no more protection), but I told myself, they have their own life and I should be independent. Leave my life to GOD and everything will turn out just fine. 

When comes nearer to the date where hubby is leaving (tomorrow), I had extreme discomfort. I suppressed it. I'm very happy that I did not force hubby not to go. The heart of letting go and transforming is taking into place I can feel. For better or for worse I do not know, I let it be. For I trust in GOD for my soul growth. 

I have always threaten hubby for a divorce, Yes I do really feel I needed one, but I always ended up don't know what to do. I drove out when in anger but I don't know where to go, I stop at road side then turn back less than 30min. I'm still a child needed protection very much even at present - i need to feel safe. My parents protected me so much which I felt really blessed, my husband helps me alot but he never takes care of my emotional wellbeing or he doesn't know how to handle it. I take it as my soul growth. 

I have thought to myself, didn't he knows I need someone there to make me feel comfort. My parents are not in and he is so far away for company holiday trip, what am I left with? Naked with 2 eggs to protect. I needed to send them to classes whole of saturday and the risk is high. What if car broke down, what if one of them is sick, what if accident, what if I am the one who has accident ... who should I call? These invisible stress are killing me but I know I must overcome it and surrender it to GOD. 

God told me, this is the 1st step for life transformation. Just like any other relationship I had before, circumstances transformed me, we leave the old behind and search for the truth. Thinking of having to leave the relationship saddens me, but if it is your time to Go/transform/Die, you have to do it. Divine Timing it is. I pray that I could be stronger. 

Melbourne 2013

Melbourne was suggested by hubby, as I do not know where else to go. I needed a clean place and also a place with good energy (ppl with respect, conscience and produce healthy food). We went tokyo 3 times and thought it's enough, so where is the next best destination? I have thought for a month and couldn't think of anywhere, when hubby suggested melbourne I was like, huh ... u think nice meh. No seven wonders, what is the REASON to be there? good energy? not that I know of. very clean? I'm not too sure as you know australia is flooded with 170 countries migrant, you think the ang mo culture still remains? arghh ... cannot think of a place to go, you decide la, i told hubby. He then bought tickets and asked me to arrange the rest. ARGH .. for another month only start action booking hotels and tours. 

Honestly, I only booked the hotel 3 weeks before to get the best rate for booking 21 days in advance, booked Grayline tour 4 days before I fly, paid online visa & bus ticket 1 week before we fly. Oh one thing so proud I bought the OVO circus ticket - Cirque de Soleil 1 month before we fly! haha .. that's the only thing excites me. 

So, this trip is not planned properly and I just let it 'flow'. We do whatever we want when we reach there. Surprisingly, there is so much help for tourist, info centre, free trams and tones of tourist booklet - all sorts of booklet and discount vouchers! amazing! Hence, on the 1st day we already know where to go by browsing one of the booklet. 

Day 1: Arrived Westin Melbourne at 10am. Had brunch at brunetti and go to Melbourne Aquarium. Flinders street station. Buy groceries at coles. Dinner hubby brought chinese take away as the kids are exhausted. Time difference = 3hrs. 

Day 2: Grayline tour. Feed parrot - puffing billy - churchill island - koala conservation center - seal rock - Philip island. Left hotel 7.30am, reached hotel 12.15am

Day 3: Breakfast at Star bucks. Buy groceries at Woolworths. Lunch at beths restaurant dockland. OVO circus at 4pm. Dinner at dragon boat, china town (not nice!)

Day 4: Victoria Market and Melbourne Zoo. Had brunch at Melbourne Zoo. Lunch at cumulus restaurant (nice!). Dinner at wagamama. Ice cream at brunetti. 

Day 5: Breakfast at brunetti. On and off we eat at brunetti cos they have nice pastry and it's just outside our hotel. there is a field for the children to run about just infront of brunetti and many birds. Heavenly!

If you ask me. It's a healing trip and I'm glad we went! Thank God for this wonderful trip. Benjamin doesn't want to go home. On the airplane he said he doesn't want to go back KL, he wants to go back to hotel. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

Here is a wallaby for you :)

Happy Chinese New Year

This year we stayed in KL, as we will be going back to KK for my FIL 70s birthday. Thomas bought RM400 firecrackers for the kids to play, today already the 10th of CNY, I think we haven't played half of it. haha ... will watch thomas light it up this weekends! 

On the nian 30, we went back to ipoh with my parents. We left home at 5.30am and reached ipoh 8.30am. Not too bad the traffic, saw some status update on FB some took 5 hours. Gosh! Thank God. We had lunch at maternal grandparents place, good to see everyone again. I have this feeling of - soul group - coming back together, mingle around, healing each other. weird feelings I know .. and my tooth was in so much pain until i needed a panadol. I don't know whats happening but, things happens because it needed to. So ... all is well, as long as I'm no longer in pain. Dinner we had steam boat at paternal grandparents place. The kids having lots of fun collecting ang pau and eating CNY cookies and playing with their cousins in ipoh. I can see at this age, they really enjoy other children's company. Not so much "mummy, mummy, mummy" this round. 

We left ipoh 9pm and reached KL just past midnight. I hit the sack straight away, the cranky tooth drains all my energy, I left hubby to do the clean up and folding up the clothes. We had 2 days rest before flying off to melbourne. 

We took angpao from my parents on Nian Chu 2 morning. We took nice family photo at home. I'm very satisfied with it :) Here is a photo of our CNY hampers. 

January Outings

I've bought a groupon deal for jungle gym at bangsar shopping centre. We bought the kids there on one of the public holidays. Andrea says she prefer this over the one we always go - kids e world at The Gardens. This place is very compact and has many things that kids e world doesn't have. She demanded to come back here again next time. It's too crowded for my liking though but it's small enough for me to have an watchful eye over them without having to move around after them. So, yeah ... I would go back there since it's a win-win. 

Wrapping up january, we went to Kidzania. I thought it's time for benjamin to experience it. To my surprise, benjamin does really enjoy himself. He is brave enough o try many occupation on his own because andrea has no interest in Fire fighter, pilot and police. At 3 yrs 3 months old, I would say he is a brave boy and he understands instruction well. Good Job! 

Andrea did many things that she did not try the last round. She enjoy painting, making jewelry, becoming a dentist, flight attendant etc. Andrea insist to go back to the nursery - taking care of babies. Both of them take care babies together and I can see from outside they really enjoying it. Benjamin dance to the kidzania song - he's so cute, he can follow the steps :) 

The IQ Genius 1

Benjamin has done with The IQ Genius 1 very quickly, I'm so proud of him. I have ordered Nikitin Material set direct from Germany and is now waiting for it's arrival. I hope these blocks can take away the kids screen (ipad) time and practice on their intuition skills.

Benjamin enjoy daddy throw him in the air when he is able to solve one of the pattern. This encourages him to do more and gave him the drive to achieve his goal. Ben would shout "daddy! you See!!" then run himself to daddy and expect daddy to throw him up in the air. He's so cute and full of determination. I hope this attitude would stay with him for long until he achieve every dreams he has in this lifetime. 

3 years 3 months old

Happy New Year 2013

Have not started writing anything for 2013! It's already 18 feb 2013 :) Let me back date!

We have started the lovely year with beautiful fireworks by Sunway Group. The kids stayed up past mid night, it's unbelievable, never been up this late. The trick is? We bought alot of junk from petrol station and they munch on it while waiting for the fireworks. Good experience but seriously bad for health. Limit to once a year thing.

It's been a quiet New year for us, as we have a lot of activities in last december. We went to empire subang many times, to catch santa, the kids love the lollies santa gave. I think we went total 3 times for lollies and a few more times where santa was not there. The kids were well behaved, they agreed to throw lollies away when we get into the car. Kids also love pavillion christmas train and singing carol. Singing carol is so soothing for my soul. We put up our christmas tree with alot of help from the kids now, they are such big boy and girl.

We spent christmas at Shangri-la Hotel. Got upgraded to suite with double bed. It was heavenly! With 2 toddler, bigger beds at hotel is a blessing! Had really nice buffet dinner at zipangu. Japanese is andrea's favorite! 

We also went to Farm in the City end of December. We found benjamin's favourite character "Naughty Rock". He wants to sit on the naughty rock just like the dinosaur. Will come back for feeding the animals, the kids love it.

2013 Resolution - Be more relax with my kiddos. Have more trust in god, masters and guides. Used to have 10 measurable goals every year, must be the shift :) NMRK

Thank You 2012

Looking back at my 2011 Thank You post, i feel so much positive energy towards it. I feel that I should write a Thank You note for 2012 too :) 

1. Thank You Master and Guides for supporting me and re-assured me for all the decision that I've made. I have so much trust in you guys after boldly step into the flow of life, trusting myself more and seeing magic happens everyday. 

2. Thank You hubby for endless support emotionally and financially. Stepping into the unknown is really scary, but you have gave me security in every possible way. Luxury of having to be at home doing minimal housework (was having 2 part time maid, but decided to cancel 1, I can't be this lazy for 2013), Never complain helping out on housework, Willingly take over the kids when I feel lazy, bought house clothes (roxy in big batch-8pcs), tommy hilfiger in big batch-5pcs, so much clothes in SG, LV wallet, Tokyo trip,  5 star hotel stay in KK and KL. 

3. Thank You Kids for being with me. I know I have been grumpy and angry all the time. I'm so happy you still want to stick with me. lol ... although my boy sometimes said wanna sleep over at grandmas. However I know he still loves me more. I need to have a bigger heart, a heart filled with only love energy, if not, I know both of you would run away one day, someday when you are older. I working very hard on myself, thank you for this opportunity. I will try my best!

4. Thank you dad and mum foe being here with me when I needed you the most. Talking, baby sitting, company for breakfast/ lunch, hanging out, looking for food at your house when I've got nothing to eat at home. You guys gave me alot of comfort when I'm alone in the day time. Thank You dad for all the holidays you have spent on us, and thank you for the big fat angpau for the house you have sold. Thank You mum for your time to take care of my kids when I need to attend wedding dinner. Thank you sisters for being who you are. 

5. Thank You universe for giving me what I want in my life. Give me opportunity to serve the community in 2013. I'm ready. Bless be. 

Christmas Eve

How's everybody doing? 3 days intense energy integrating takes a troll on my physical body, I was burping so much and feeling intense energy moving around my body. Phew ... I also did some not so nice things, shouting at the kids and slap andrea on christmas eve. I've controlled so well for that 3 days (21,22,23) because I don't want to waste it!! Cannot believe that I lost control on the 4th day. Ah well, apply some lavender (cos her skin cracked) and panaway later on after she slept. Dear Jesus, pls heal her with your green energy. Thank You. 

I always feel I'm useless because I 'know' I have some powers but that always doesn't 'tell' me answer exactly to the point. I often think maybe I did not meditate enough or letting the energy to flow enough in order for me to have clear answers. For whatever it is, I allow and let it flow according to my needs and ability. Recently I've seen many of my manifestation magically happened, one day, I caught myself meditating for more physical stuff. I felt a need to stop and told myself, let there be love and peace. So it is. 

Phew ... overall kids holidays are great. I think I enjoy alot this time around. I notice telepathy also increased. Many things when I was thinking to tell hubby or the kids, they usually do it without me opening my mouth. I felt so easy to let go this time, I was unhappy during the last trip to ipoh with my parents, with hubby around listening to my pain (via whatssap), I quickly forgive and continue to enjoy my trip. I had new iphone5 from hubby. We are staying at shangrila for christmas. I spent so much money that I've lost count in december. My dad gave me 20K, I cried, in disbelief and blessed that the universe/ GOD still takes care of my need to spend. I told myself, my dad is the greatest gift the GOD has given me to fill my ego (human needs). My hubby is the greatest gift from GOD to light up my spiritual path. 

All happening in the month of december. I praise the lord for having many happy events and peace in the household. I know I have not been updating on my kids. You know what. The msg That I have received. 

1. Chant everyday.

2. Stop using FB.

3. Stay centered. 

Every thoughts and feelings are connected by the heart. No need to write or see, FEEL it. Stay connected with loved one and be positive. Write only when you feel like writing, as our soul is eternal so are the thoughts and memories. only people who are connected to you understand or feel it. Find peace and be Open. Bless be! 

Ben 3yrs 1 Month

Ben has passed 3 years old, there are so much development that I did not write it down. Let me recall as best as I can. 

1. Doesn't seems to enjoy school anymore. Cry everyday until last day of school. Signed up San Lorenzo at KK for benjamin, today 3rd day of school seems pretty OK. Will ask him to choose either New school or Old school after 6 days trial class. Yes, I believe he can make the best choice for himself at 3 yr old. 

2. Loves genioart to bits. Everyday will ask if today he has genioart. It's really good for me as well, as I can korek many info on how to manage ben emotionally. I also spend time talking to other mothers and going out shopping with hubby once a week alone. 

3. Loves to kick and shout at people. I have ignored this for the longest time, I kicked my butt to start 'talking' to him. 'Talking" seems very tedious, yet stupid as they will not give you the respond you wanted. I know communication is the key, I will try my best! I have also act out to him, play switching roles, where I'm ben and he's mummy. 

4. Loves ultraman. Daddy has been very furious about ben watching ultraman. We will stop this after 3 months. Boys will be boys. Please guide me how to raise a healthy boy.

5. Able to do linking memory set 2B. constant reading to him and listening to CD. He surprised me, I thought I have been talking to the wall or cow eating grass. 

6. Good at maze, numbers and puzzles. Can do really fast and writing very neatly. However, still uses left hand. Still encouraging to write with right hand. 

7. Ben is a caring and sensitive boy. He takes care of people around him and is very sweet most of the time. 

8. Able to cope with school lessons. Letterland and Finger counting is going well. 

9. Loves to make everybody laugh by repeating things that people laugh at earlier. Peppa Pig "hog", do silly face, repeat silly things he said, use articles to make people laugh.

10. Very independent. Nothing that ben needs our help. If we do, he will be crossed. 

Ben, mummy love you. I hope that you could grow up to be a decent man with good heart. I pray to God, to bring me people and places, for you to grow and experience life in a happy way. So it is. 

Ben School Issue

Ben has not been very happy at school. He started to cry after 1 month andrea left SA. Beside that, the school was also practicing concert, and he constantly tells me he doesn't like to dance (which i know is not true, he loves to dance so much at home). I start to feel really worry and asked if teacher scold or hit him, he said teacher pei yee scolded him. I then investigate, talking to class teacher felicita and teacher pei yee. What upset me the most, the told me they would ignore benjamin and he would be OK. Do they know that, ben is not OK? He refuse to go to school every morning! 

I was so sad because I thought SA is the best school I have found. Academic wise and emotionally wise as teacher yan would talk to every child when they are crying. After 3 years of operating, I couldn't believe my eyes and couldn't accept the change for the worse. Teacher yan was away the whole week due to his son admitted to hospital. The following week, i told him about teachers ignoring my son at school, he denied and said it's my choice to leave the school. (maybe i sounded harsh as well). In the middle of the night, I msg him on FB, asked him if he thinks ben should go to a school with different system, his replied was positive and asked me to stay and observe further. 

I have went to many kindy near KK. The only thing I'm looking at is academic, letterland or jolly phonics and finger counting. San lorenzo has letterland, the one and only kindy I've seen out of 5, this has it. I quickly signed up for trial and hoping for the best. I will let ben decide at the end of the day. As I don't know how to choose between, caring for his emotion 1st or making sure his academic progress is strong. I want both, but at this point of time, it seems so impossible. 

Teacher yan told me their school principal based on the 5 love language. He asked me to buy that book as it explains how people handles another person with different characteristic. I have ordered but not here yet. I told him, I like your school because of letterland and finger counting, but emotional needs always comes 1st. I feel so helpless, what is good for andrea, does not pass down to ben. What andrea is good at is not what ben is capable of doing. Although I'm having 2 children, I feel that I have SO much to learn and do for 2 totally different character kids, learnings, teaching, communicating, playing etc are all at opposite poles. 

In the end of the day. I could only pray for the best. What I'm receiving is what I've been asking intentionally or unintentionally. I've no complains but to improve and to strive further for my children's growth. So it is. 

creativity is the Key

I have been clouded by negative thoughts about ben. I always ask myself, why he's such a tough boy? One day I woke up feeling sick of all these negative vibes. I turn around, asking myself, what if God gave me a sick baby? Which would I choose, which is more challenged? Can you keep your negative mouth shut once and for all? since that day, everything fall into place nicely. 

1. Universe had send andrea 1st, easy kid for me who I can mould her to be a genius in a split second. I learn about how amazing work can be done when a kid has concentration (not just looking at you, he could be doing other things but listening to you - this is for ben). Repetition is the key for a child to excel such as maths and learning to play a perfect pieces, violin this this case. I've yet to be creative to teach ben maths and playing violin. 

2. Universe had gave me shichida, then I explore tweedle wink and heguru. It shows me, andrea could do amazing work but ben (some area), I learnt that positive attitude and great passion for your child is the key. Every child can do it, if the mother is creative. Only shichida has breathing technique and energy ball. This is why we are sticking to it. Right brain is not the core, proper breathing, taking care of your physical body and meditation (energy ball) is the CORE. 

3. Universe expose me to energy healing work and essential oils. Bring me back to the CORE. I bring this, the most precious knowledge to my children. If you are at shichida parenting talk, you would have heard that some shichida kids heals.  I teach them to pray in order to feel safe. I teach them essential oils for healing - fever and coughing. (pls only use PURE essential oils, use only those edible oils, pls) I teach them to visualize for protection and healing. I thank shichida for introducing the CORE at such a young age. 

4. Universe had gave me hubby, supports me in my spiritual growth. Not in the sense of asking me to believe we are GOD but his attitude towards life. He is very giving and patient which I have zero of that. He holds positive vision all the time which I'm the total opposite. He is very caring which I choose when I want to be caring. Overall, there is so much opposite that I have to re-learn and having hubby is my greatest comfort, in order for me to go further in fixing myself. 

5. I believe universe or GOD does not punish us or throw challenge to us because they want to test us. The CORE of the universe which is LOVE. If you do not have enough of it, the Universe or GOD is giving you opportunity to re-learn so you could experience eternal happiness. All human need to do is to understand, LOVE is the key of life, open your heart to learn and feel what LOVE is (it is not what you think it is), be conscious and LOVE yourself. You will be living heaven on earth. 

I feel choke at times because I couldn't read books and experience life as fast as my boy is growing. To bring up my boy, it's totally out of my subconscious, he needs more love and more attention. He needs a more creative mother to bring the best out of him. He needs a patient mother. He needs a happy mother. Universe is giving me an opportunity to see and act thru that. All the resources i need is here with me. I thank God for that. All is well. 

worry for ben

Few days before I had a total break down due to ben, I cannot accept what has been offer to ben in this lifetime. I broke down and cry and demand GOD to re-look into his condition for a human life. I lost my mind and I felt terribly upset, how the world configured for ben. One day he is under my care, I do not let this happen and demand all angels and Gods of the light for help. I feel their presence and I felt at ease, even ben is still with slight fever (second day)

1. Ben is a tough child, I knew it from his bazi chart. We knew it from his daily behavior. Many times, I surrender because I don't know how to handle him, I'm fortunate enough to have hubby take over most of the time. Dr. suzuki said, tough child will achieve more things in life, a mother with lots of patient and love for the child is important. Nurturing a "different" child is part of my passion with help from others, of course. 

2. Looking for teacher that's full of love and experienced is not easy. I thought I have found. However things may not want to stay the way that I want them to. I broke down and cry because, my child does need a perfect environment for this growth for the 1st 6 years. I asked GOD if this is too difficult to accommodate my request? I'm ever ready to accept the challenge but why there is no helping hand available to bring up my full of potential son? I demand GOD to share my fortune with benjamin, because I'm his mother, he should get equal share of my fortune be it nobleman or wealth, as it will directly affect me if he does not meet anyone according to my will. In the end, I realized my ego is too big.

3. I spread 3 cards. The angels told me not to worry. The Cat, The Frog, The Eagle. I trust, I surrender and I let go. Benjamin has fever the next day, I look at the clock "11:11". I immediate felt at ease, I know angels and Masters of the Light is watching us. I decided to feed paracetamol every 4 hours. There is no stress but knowing some energy adjustment and life path have been relaid. It has been an emotional week but glad stuff has been re-wired. Thank You. 

4. For all that had happened. I should suppressed my ego 1st. secondly, pray for the best than having to worry like this, it's bad for the stomach and health. Thank you angels and masters for staying with me and showing signs that you are right there with me. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. Love n Light. 

sisterhood

Younger days, we fight alot, I even broke her glasses and cause her baby finger crooked. I do feel bad afterwards, but when fighting I guess I lost my consciousness. SP has this attitude of 'bullying punishment' star. She show anger by giving you black face and can become super ignorant, she also thinks that the whole world is against her when she feels upset. I've ignore her when I was younger because I have kim, so to ignore and get her out of my mind is pretty easy. 

After so many years, more than 20 years, this feeling of being ignored (not respected) came back. The story is long and I do not want to give energy to it. All in all, I cannot let go the feeling of being upset and wanted to stay away from her, how can I when I do not know her work schedule. One day I walked into their house not knowing she is in there, I 'pretend' and smile and quickly make my way home. I kind of good in pretending nowadays, especially after the incident where my mum decided to abandon me few years ago. I notice myself picking up pretending skills to show the front to my mum, I get confuse after that, I thought I have love for my mum for the things I have done for 2-3 years. Until that day she went for surgery, I couldn't chant for her, all I did was saying prayers ONLY. you know chanting needs total focus/ concentration for 10 min, I couldn't do it. I sit back quietly, highself ask me to tell myself "i love my mum". I repeat this phrase for 50-100 times?? Not sure, but until I feel the love and connection with her. The blocked love energy flowed again after that, I feel a different feeling when I see my mum in person. "pretending" brings me no where and it does not connect me to the core, and I confuse my true self too (and blocked the love energy in within). I notice I'm doing that now with SP. I broke down and cry infront of mum today. 

as usual mum will be mum. Things just said and done, cannot expect much. I just do not want to 'pretend' anymore, because I do not want to confuse myself again. I do not want to step into this hole again. I beg my mum to tell me not to come over when SP is there. SP hates my husband and so be it. She feels comfortable to show black face and prefer to live in a non-harmony environment, it's really her choice. I pray to god that I have some space to distance myself for negative beings as there are many more things in life to focus on than having to live in denial and unhappiness everyday. I pray to GOD this will be done and never have bad influence by my heavy karmic family bloodline again. Let me be strong and with alot of wisdom knowing what to do. So it is. Thank You!

Ben 3 yrs old

School celebration

Family celebration at Fukuya

Officially cross over to 3 years old

will miss my baby boy

Where to Go

Deep inside my heart I know buddhism is where I shall be going. However reading many writings on jesus christ, do makes me wonder if one day I would go to church. Having many Christians around me especially hubby's sisters and aunt, I think they would welcome me happily. The question is am I ready? 

Since the day I've spoken to my 大姨 of my left shoulder pain which God indicate to me is a bloodline karma, I feel the readiness to go into christinity. Me always be me, never go into something blindly unless I have a very good reason. inevitable with 大姨 support I feel more ready it could be we are from the same bloodline? Anyway, I ask myself, for all the books and workshops i've been, what did I see and learn about for this physical plane? 

1. I know christianity does not paint the whole picture but christianity is the only religion that reap the most benefit from the universe. Why? According to the law of the universe book, i conclude that christian teachings are mostly based on that. Trust, surrender and Let Go. (one of many from the book) What other religion teaches you this? How many ppl can really Trust, surrender and Let Go? If you do not have a religion I don't think many can do this, but the law of the universe is to Trust the universe, surrender and Let Go to the creator the universe. For many these are vague so they cannot concentrate, they need GOD to comfort them. The law of the universe has been used for many religion and I feel christianity get the MOST out of it. It could be unfair to say about this because many authors are western and their religion started with christianity 1st, for buddhism, I haven't come across that has written a spiritual book. 

2. I've never been attached to any temple. My mum would just bring me and pray and we go home. Hence I do not know if they have charity work weekly. For christians I know they always organize something for the members to do weekly. Going to the orphanage, old age home, teaching children etc. I wanted to be in a community like this as I know I'm lacking in this area. I have not been given enough I feel. Hence, going to church I'm pretty OK cos I know I will have a chance like this. Not so much of devoting to any GOD, but knowing these are the things I should be doing. Right now, the volunteers asked me to come to the temple on sunday I guess the universe/GOD is telling me to observe further. Choose again when it has finish unfolding. I want my kids to expose to charity or serving others when young, for my little wisdom, I always thought only christianity has this. Will wait for a sign where shall my kids and I be going.

Although I've started with buddhism, I've learn more of christianity from books and ppl around me. I think my guides are opening doors for me to explore. Hence I landed on the temple in breakfield, kneel down and talk to buddha, bought a book, get 2 free Dharma talk CD and some friendly chat with the volunteers there. The CD talks about what is buddhism which are quite spiritual to me. The perception that I had and things happening around us and all the pantang larang are actually not really buddhism. (some deviation there, oh well look at christians how many types! all religion the same) How absurd? How come now only I've been given the 2 free CDs for buddhism enlightenment? Free somemore! Time to Grow again!

Like one of the book said, you have to go and do it, experience it and kill it. In the end you need to know this life is a solitary path, attachment will not get you anywhere but you need to feel and experience attachment then only you know how detachment feels like, then you can only feel the real freedom. But pls don't wait until you are dying. When you are on physical plane do Dana (charity) and sila (good deeds) to add your merits/ good karma points, everyday life we are using from this bank, don't let it depletes. Anyway, if you are a christian, the church would have tones of chance to do this, as the community is small everyone has attention. Unlike buddhism, our temples not as many as Christian church so we need to pickup ourselves, and there is lack of 'pastor' to guide us. Fellow buddhist .. we got to pick ourself up and be responsible for our life. If you want to have privilege to be taken care of, go join any church then the pastor and cell leader will take care of you (to make sure your good karmic bank account is always filled).

As for myself, I think it's still unfolding, i will give it some time and wait for the path to be clearer for me to walk/run. Namaste. 

Animal In Me

It was on benjamin's birthday, that night I didn't know what to do. Ben was sick for a month, the whole month it was a series of sickness, one healed and another one kicked in. I was mentally exhausted, part of the reason also no one supported me. My parents would still give ben junk as they think small piece wouldn't kill and hubby acted as a doer (whatever you say I will do). If I do not say he will not move, it's like none of his business because I'm home and sick boy is my business. Previous day I had ben do 3 times nebulizer because the phlegm sounded very very sticky, the last dose at night makes his skin on the face red, very red ... I was again very worried. The next day which is his birthday I didn't do any until night time, he couldn't sleep well due to coughing, I ask hubby what shall I do. He give me usual reaction which I hated and told me If you know what to do just do it don't ask me. I felt devastated. 

I tried double boiled pear for 2 days, it didn't make ben sound better. So I tried 1 day bird nest, it didn't make him sound better too. I then tried 3 full nebulizer course, it did sound a little better, so I continue bird nest but his phlegm still bad. Shall I continue nebulizer as his skin already get irritated by nebulizer medicine. Hubby answer makes me feel like i want to kill him. The whole episode starts, I hit him and he doesn't want to hit me, so he spit saliva on my face. I felt like being humiliated cos no one ever spit saliva on my face before. I started to bite him with my teeth and also grab his shirts and bite his shirt with my teeth, I feel like an animal but I don't care I keep on doing it until my son open his eyes. 

We then went out the room and continue arguing and I want to hit him somemore. When we are at the family hall where my clear quartz are, I feel less animal and started to talk. I told him lets go on separate ways as I know this is not working, I 'know' how a family should be like and we both cannot contribute to that. Not all family has ugly stories if you allow it to happen, and I lost control because when I'm infront of you, I feel like an animal reacting to what you did to me. I go back to bed, hold my womb and asked if I've been possessed, why i've acted that way. It told me, I've been very angry, all my past life - hitting is the only way to release my anger. Conscious change is needed. 

Next day, hubby had diarrhea (he said due to the japanese food he ate) but all of us are fine. Hitting people with my bare hands do not seems to be toxic but deep inside my heart I know it's very toxic as I have transferred all the anger energetically to the other person's energy field unconsciously. Hubby diarrhea I know part of my fault. I hit andrea the other day because both of them fighting while I'm driving and I warned andrea stop it as I would have car accident. Suddenly benjamin no more sound, I shouted "WHAT HAPPENED". Ben cannot answer, andrea use the full water bottle and hit benjamin's eye. I couldn't stop at the road side as I'm at NKVE, I drove 10km later and arrive at petrol station, I take off my seat belt and just hit andrea with both of my hands without thinking. Came back my fingers are blue black, I checked her body no blue black. I thank god that it didn't hurt her but only my finger. The next day, she developed rashes on the chest and shoulder where I hit her, not serious only itch abit and went away after 2 days. I know it's me. My next lesson is to stop hitting. To break the pattern that has been with me for thousand lifetime. 

On sunday hubby had diarrhea, I asked if I can go to temple. I feel a need to go temple, I gave a reason I wanted to buy a book which i saw from SN page the other day. I ask God, if today i need to go pls give me smooth journey. 1st I asked hubby he said OK, 2nd I asked mum she said OK. 3rd we arrived there no parking I felt sad and tell GOD, you ask me to come here and no parking? Mum then ask me to go down she will wait for me outside, I then park my car infront of the temple and I get down. I thought to myself maybe mum don't need to pray, so I went to the bookstore. After bought that book, mum called and said she got a parking. Off we went to buddha and pray. Even before I kneel down I feel like crying, once I kneel down my tears roll down non stop. I ask buddha, you have sent me this far, this is the toughest healing I need to over come, hitting ppl is not within my control, I know it's bad especially I have seriously high vibration that I can break ppl's aura, pls tell me what to do, I pled. I tell buddha the animal feeling is so real (i can feel the feeling of being an animal myself in past life) and I do not want to go back there again, I told buddha my children are tough children, ben never been well since he's born - he has internal sickness which I do not know what, his face qi can tell and he has this low immune system viens on his temple, this sickness I do not know when it will explode but I 'know' he is not well inside energetically. andrea is such a temperamental girl, I know music is good for her but there is no music teacher for me to bring her to and she doesnt' want to be a big sister, all she wants to do is to fight with benjamin. My hubby, honestly I do not know him, maybe he is here for me to learn this toughest lesson in my life. Then only I can move on.

I asked buddha for wisdom handling my 2 children and healing to hubby and benjamin. 

Pain that never left me

The dog month is my number 1 killer, not only I'm being literally buried to death, I'm being stabbed and cut into pieces before being thrown back to the ground for renewal! It's so PAINful emotionally. 

My kids and 1 were sick for the past 2 weeks, hence no yoga for me. I was not being at peace for the 1st week as I feel yoga is what I wanted to do, but later I found peace in within, It's OK if i didn't go yoga for the second week. My 2 weeks were in and out of the hospital MANY times as the children take turns to take a troll on me. I was mentally abused of having going to hospital so often - the waiting time for the doctor has drove me insane, luckily hubby was there to take over. 

After 2 weeks, i returned to yoga. 1st day was alright because i love sun salutation. My body was alright. Second day i drank some wheat grass and went to yoga, after the palm tree pose I felt dizzy and there goes my days ... 3 days dizzy. I'm not sure the wheat grass (not 1st time drinking but stop for a few months) increase the energy flow or the palm tree pose made me this ill. I chant fervently, yearn for an answer WHY it has never left me and cried for GOD to take it away - send it down to the core of the earth, give lady Gaia so my health can be restored.  

It did felt better but still floaty. It always relieve the pain because energy healing helps! I want it to remove permanently, I tell GOD, 3 years is very long, what else you haven't told me and what else I haven't done to get this 3 damn long years to suffer? If I'm not worth on this earth, never let me rose from sleep and never let me learn about energy healing and never introduce me to yoga and NEVER let me know about spirituality and metapyhsical. You have bring me this far and I'm still learning for the life to flow, why can't you take this damn pain away and let me live life without anger. Do you know when I'm not well or in pain I will be HARSH on my children, I lost control. Can I have more control in my life? Please. 

In the morning, my 大姨 posted her blog on her FB page. I click in and read. It's so touching to see, she loves her grandchildren alot, the grand daughter hold her hand to toilet makes her heart feels wamrth, she teaches her grand children to appreciate things. My children, my parents told me, grandchildren is for the grandparents to spoil! Loading them with sweets (my parents) and money (in laws) and what not to make them happy (they think) but what value does it carry until their grandparents is dead? Secondly, many entries on jesus christ that makes me feel comfortable reading it. Lastly, my aunty age 61 talks about her history of accepting christ. What SHOCKS me is, she has frozen left shoulder TOO. in yr2004. WHAT IS GOD telling me?? 

1. frozen left shoulder is due to bloodline karma. My grandma had left breast removed. My aunty healed by GOD. My mum had this after my brother died many years ago but went away. Now my turn. I don't know what's the cause but I have a feeling - when you lost something very dear to you, it will activate the DNA and cause the pain! Damn it, I think the universe wants me to cut the damn bloodline karma for the entire ancestral bloodline! How the hell I know what to do? pls guide me. 

2. I have been calling jesus christ when the kids are sick and ask hubby to pray for me. I know jesus christ the green energy is perfect for healing. Maybe it's time for me to REALLY accept him instead of calling upon him for fun and say hi and bye all the time. Put him in my heart but where will he stand? Kuan yin already on my left and my spiritual animal guide on my right. Maybe it's time for role changing now? I don't know. I don't mind jesus to stand on my left but I don't want to lose kuan yin as i NEED female energy more than I can imagine. Oh dear, maybe i shall just let go and let them decide who shall stand on my left or right for this moment in time. I allow. I allow. I allow. pls guide me.

3. I need Kuan Yin for bloodline karma to dissolve, pls don't leave me until this is done pls. Dear lord jesus you can take away my pain but I think my mission is to cut this bloodline karma, kuan yin, thoth, maat pls guide me or send someone my way to help dissolve my ancestral bloodline karma. Since I'm here where I am, i think someone (ancestral) wants me to do more than just accepting jesus to take away my pain. pls guide me. 

all is well

Done with Kumon Rhyming Words

I think we started this when andrea was 4 yr old, when she started to write and read some simple words. It took us very very long to finish, reason being I'm too lazy! lol ... 

This book we used it hand in hand, the words are easy to read/ teach, really compliment the phonics that the school teach. The pictures are colorful and attractive. Andrea never reject doing this, unless she's busy playing with her toys/ craft. We are moving on to grade 1 reading before I can buy the sentences book. 

Andrea is well on track, such an easy child for now, really blessed and happy to teach her. 

ben Oct12 Shichida

Last term (jul-sept) I was with ben, It worries me when he does not get a single memory game right. For the 3 months, i was talking to myself, maybe he's not ready because he's merely 3 yrs old, other kids, some can do it some still can't. By the end of september, I thought "this can't be right, something must be wrong" because ben is the only student can't even get 1 correct!! gulp! I'm worried that he has some other things like dyslexia which needs to find out early and treat! 

Well, because october I'm with andrea, this makes me less tense with ben, having time to calm down and think what to do for benjamin. I bought these small little cute rubbers from popular (very cheap!) and practice memory game with him, starts with 3 characters. 1st week I really vomit blood because I open and ask him to follow he CAN'T, I worry till wanna kill myself. 2nd week (6th day) was better, now acceptable. Phew ... even hubby comment he will get at least 1 right in class ... I guess my boy, didn't catch the concept earlier on. Phew!!!

Ben is seriously good at maze, both right and left hand. Good at puzzles and blocks too. Confirm he is auditory type of person, hence I need to explore how to be more effective teaching benjamin, I'm like half deaf since young, this is a real challenge to me. Why I didn't have 2 kids of the same kind, sigh ... beating round the bush again! Oh yes, need to do eye training material .... both my kids ... sigh .. didn't catch the concept WHY i said that .. andrea is really slow when doing spotting games and ben on the other hand STARE at the paper when drawing without looking from dot to dot. Aiyoo ... correction time :) I can do it, pls guide me and more positive energy pls. I'm depleting I know, I can feel it. All is well. Amen.  

Kumon Maths

Since Year 1 started, andrea doesn't have alot of homework compared to old kindergarten. I then photostated alot of maths for andrea, Kumon grade 1 & 2, both addition and subtraction. Each book 4 copies, I use my own strategy as I do not know what kumon centre is doing. I feel repetition is the key. 

During my A levels maths, I had pure maths (easy), statistic (medium) and mechanics (killing). However there is one more paper during exam, is to test how fast you can do and 100% sure all student cannot finish, my tuition teacher told me - do as fast as you can and be sure it's correct as you do not have time to check. (the tip is that, this is the only paper to pull up your score in A-levels, dunno how true) Btw, i only have Maths Graded A in A-levels, so i guess my method could not be wrong too far, lol ... Hope it won't kill andrea this way. I learnt speed maths when I was 7 yr old, sitting on the cash counter of my grandfather coffee shop in ipoh, ppl paying was usually Rm20 below and I learnt a way to do maths fast. The method is only known to myself. (I think everyone pick up the same but in different ways). end goal in mind: Speed & accuracy

Kumon grade 1 & 2 maths is a great way to pick up when I do not have a coffee shop for andrea to sit and practice her maths on the spot. She will finish 1 book in 2+ weeks, we are starting grade 2 maths next week then will go back to book 1. The aim is to let her familiarize with the equation and numbers for the 1st round (i asked her to put down the time also) and improve on the time the 2nd, 3rd, 4th round. 1st round time was about 10-20 min for 80-100 question (due to the harder question towards the end of the book). Andrea could only get 100% correct for the 1st few units, after that some mistake here and there but to me was acceptable as definitely will not be more than 8 wrong for 80-100 questions. 

one more unit to end grade 1 addition & subtraction. Andrea told me: 

1. when you see 19 - 15, you cancel 1 infront then only minus 9-5

2. some equation I don't use finger cos i know the answer

I guess she picked up her own method when practicing. I mark the paper and ask her to correct the answer those wrong ones and remind her maths has to be fast and be correct the 1st time. I take this as sharpen the saw hence no stress. I'm very fortunate cos andrea is very obedient and willing to do, god bless me when benjamin's time comes.  

I also have sticker charts for andrea, so far she has claim 1 gift from me and more to come :) Each sticker chart worth RM20, she can accumulate to buy more expensive things. The 1st one she claim a H&M necklace set.