Ben 3 yrs old

School celebration

Family celebration at Fukuya

Officially cross over to 3 years old

will miss my baby boy

Where to Go

Deep inside my heart I know buddhism is where I shall be going. However reading many writings on jesus christ, do makes me wonder if one day I would go to church. Having many Christians around me especially hubby's sisters and aunt, I think they would welcome me happily. The question is am I ready? 

Since the day I've spoken to my 大姨 of my left shoulder pain which God indicate to me is a bloodline karma, I feel the readiness to go into christinity. Me always be me, never go into something blindly unless I have a very good reason. inevitable with 大姨 support I feel more ready it could be we are from the same bloodline? Anyway, I ask myself, for all the books and workshops i've been, what did I see and learn about for this physical plane? 

1. I know christianity does not paint the whole picture but christianity is the only religion that reap the most benefit from the universe. Why? According to the law of the universe book, i conclude that christian teachings are mostly based on that. Trust, surrender and Let Go. (one of many from the book) What other religion teaches you this? How many ppl can really Trust, surrender and Let Go? If you do not have a religion I don't think many can do this, but the law of the universe is to Trust the universe, surrender and Let Go to the creator the universe. For many these are vague so they cannot concentrate, they need GOD to comfort them. The law of the universe has been used for many religion and I feel christianity get the MOST out of it. It could be unfair to say about this because many authors are western and their religion started with christianity 1st, for buddhism, I haven't come across that has written a spiritual book. 

2. I've never been attached to any temple. My mum would just bring me and pray and we go home. Hence I do not know if they have charity work weekly. For christians I know they always organize something for the members to do weekly. Going to the orphanage, old age home, teaching children etc. I wanted to be in a community like this as I know I'm lacking in this area. I have not been given enough I feel. Hence, going to church I'm pretty OK cos I know I will have a chance like this. Not so much of devoting to any GOD, but knowing these are the things I should be doing. Right now, the volunteers asked me to come to the temple on sunday I guess the universe/GOD is telling me to observe further. Choose again when it has finish unfolding. I want my kids to expose to charity or serving others when young, for my little wisdom, I always thought only christianity has this. Will wait for a sign where shall my kids and I be going.

Although I've started with buddhism, I've learn more of christianity from books and ppl around me. I think my guides are opening doors for me to explore. Hence I landed on the temple in breakfield, kneel down and talk to buddha, bought a book, get 2 free Dharma talk CD and some friendly chat with the volunteers there. The CD talks about what is buddhism which are quite spiritual to me. The perception that I had and things happening around us and all the pantang larang are actually not really buddhism. (some deviation there, oh well look at christians how many types! all religion the same) How absurd? How come now only I've been given the 2 free CDs for buddhism enlightenment? Free somemore! Time to Grow again!

Like one of the book said, you have to go and do it, experience it and kill it. In the end you need to know this life is a solitary path, attachment will not get you anywhere but you need to feel and experience attachment then only you know how detachment feels like, then you can only feel the real freedom. But pls don't wait until you are dying. When you are on physical plane do Dana (charity) and sila (good deeds) to add your merits/ good karma points, everyday life we are using from this bank, don't let it depletes. Anyway, if you are a christian, the church would have tones of chance to do this, as the community is small everyone has attention. Unlike buddhism, our temples not as many as Christian church so we need to pickup ourselves, and there is lack of 'pastor' to guide us. Fellow buddhist .. we got to pick ourself up and be responsible for our life. If you want to have privilege to be taken care of, go join any church then the pastor and cell leader will take care of you (to make sure your good karmic bank account is always filled).

As for myself, I think it's still unfolding, i will give it some time and wait for the path to be clearer for me to walk/run. Namaste. 

Animal In Me

It was on benjamin's birthday, that night I didn't know what to do. Ben was sick for a month, the whole month it was a series of sickness, one healed and another one kicked in. I was mentally exhausted, part of the reason also no one supported me. My parents would still give ben junk as they think small piece wouldn't kill and hubby acted as a doer (whatever you say I will do). If I do not say he will not move, it's like none of his business because I'm home and sick boy is my business. Previous day I had ben do 3 times nebulizer because the phlegm sounded very very sticky, the last dose at night makes his skin on the face red, very red ... I was again very worried. The next day which is his birthday I didn't do any until night time, he couldn't sleep well due to coughing, I ask hubby what shall I do. He give me usual reaction which I hated and told me If you know what to do just do it don't ask me. I felt devastated. 

I tried double boiled pear for 2 days, it didn't make ben sound better. So I tried 1 day bird nest, it didn't make him sound better too. I then tried 3 full nebulizer course, it did sound a little better, so I continue bird nest but his phlegm still bad. Shall I continue nebulizer as his skin already get irritated by nebulizer medicine. Hubby answer makes me feel like i want to kill him. The whole episode starts, I hit him and he doesn't want to hit me, so he spit saliva on my face. I felt like being humiliated cos no one ever spit saliva on my face before. I started to bite him with my teeth and also grab his shirts and bite his shirt with my teeth, I feel like an animal but I don't care I keep on doing it until my son open his eyes. 

We then went out the room and continue arguing and I want to hit him somemore. When we are at the family hall where my clear quartz are, I feel less animal and started to talk. I told him lets go on separate ways as I know this is not working, I 'know' how a family should be like and we both cannot contribute to that. Not all family has ugly stories if you allow it to happen, and I lost control because when I'm infront of you, I feel like an animal reacting to what you did to me. I go back to bed, hold my womb and asked if I've been possessed, why i've acted that way. It told me, I've been very angry, all my past life - hitting is the only way to release my anger. Conscious change is needed. 

Next day, hubby had diarrhea (he said due to the japanese food he ate) but all of us are fine. Hitting people with my bare hands do not seems to be toxic but deep inside my heart I know it's very toxic as I have transferred all the anger energetically to the other person's energy field unconsciously. Hubby diarrhea I know part of my fault. I hit andrea the other day because both of them fighting while I'm driving and I warned andrea stop it as I would have car accident. Suddenly benjamin no more sound, I shouted "WHAT HAPPENED". Ben cannot answer, andrea use the full water bottle and hit benjamin's eye. I couldn't stop at the road side as I'm at NKVE, I drove 10km later and arrive at petrol station, I take off my seat belt and just hit andrea with both of my hands without thinking. Came back my fingers are blue black, I checked her body no blue black. I thank god that it didn't hurt her but only my finger. The next day, she developed rashes on the chest and shoulder where I hit her, not serious only itch abit and went away after 2 days. I know it's me. My next lesson is to stop hitting. To break the pattern that has been with me for thousand lifetime. 

On sunday hubby had diarrhea, I asked if I can go to temple. I feel a need to go temple, I gave a reason I wanted to buy a book which i saw from SN page the other day. I ask God, if today i need to go pls give me smooth journey. 1st I asked hubby he said OK, 2nd I asked mum she said OK. 3rd we arrived there no parking I felt sad and tell GOD, you ask me to come here and no parking? Mum then ask me to go down she will wait for me outside, I then park my car infront of the temple and I get down. I thought to myself maybe mum don't need to pray, so I went to the bookstore. After bought that book, mum called and said she got a parking. Off we went to buddha and pray. Even before I kneel down I feel like crying, once I kneel down my tears roll down non stop. I ask buddha, you have sent me this far, this is the toughest healing I need to over come, hitting ppl is not within my control, I know it's bad especially I have seriously high vibration that I can break ppl's aura, pls tell me what to do, I pled. I tell buddha the animal feeling is so real (i can feel the feeling of being an animal myself in past life) and I do not want to go back there again, I told buddha my children are tough children, ben never been well since he's born - he has internal sickness which I do not know what, his face qi can tell and he has this low immune system viens on his temple, this sickness I do not know when it will explode but I 'know' he is not well inside energetically. andrea is such a temperamental girl, I know music is good for her but there is no music teacher for me to bring her to and she doesnt' want to be a big sister, all she wants to do is to fight with benjamin. My hubby, honestly I do not know him, maybe he is here for me to learn this toughest lesson in my life. Then only I can move on.

I asked buddha for wisdom handling my 2 children and healing to hubby and benjamin. 

Pain that never left me

The dog month is my number 1 killer, not only I'm being literally buried to death, I'm being stabbed and cut into pieces before being thrown back to the ground for renewal! It's so PAINful emotionally. 

My kids and 1 were sick for the past 2 weeks, hence no yoga for me. I was not being at peace for the 1st week as I feel yoga is what I wanted to do, but later I found peace in within, It's OK if i didn't go yoga for the second week. My 2 weeks were in and out of the hospital MANY times as the children take turns to take a troll on me. I was mentally abused of having going to hospital so often - the waiting time for the doctor has drove me insane, luckily hubby was there to take over. 

After 2 weeks, i returned to yoga. 1st day was alright because i love sun salutation. My body was alright. Second day i drank some wheat grass and went to yoga, after the palm tree pose I felt dizzy and there goes my days ... 3 days dizzy. I'm not sure the wheat grass (not 1st time drinking but stop for a few months) increase the energy flow or the palm tree pose made me this ill. I chant fervently, yearn for an answer WHY it has never left me and cried for GOD to take it away - send it down to the core of the earth, give lady Gaia so my health can be restored.  

It did felt better but still floaty. It always relieve the pain because energy healing helps! I want it to remove permanently, I tell GOD, 3 years is very long, what else you haven't told me and what else I haven't done to get this 3 damn long years to suffer? If I'm not worth on this earth, never let me rose from sleep and never let me learn about energy healing and never introduce me to yoga and NEVER let me know about spirituality and metapyhsical. You have bring me this far and I'm still learning for the life to flow, why can't you take this damn pain away and let me live life without anger. Do you know when I'm not well or in pain I will be HARSH on my children, I lost control. Can I have more control in my life? Please. 

In the morning, my 大姨 posted her blog on her FB page. I click in and read. It's so touching to see, she loves her grandchildren alot, the grand daughter hold her hand to toilet makes her heart feels wamrth, she teaches her grand children to appreciate things. My children, my parents told me, grandchildren is for the grandparents to spoil! Loading them with sweets (my parents) and money (in laws) and what not to make them happy (they think) but what value does it carry until their grandparents is dead? Secondly, many entries on jesus christ that makes me feel comfortable reading it. Lastly, my aunty age 61 talks about her history of accepting christ. What SHOCKS me is, she has frozen left shoulder TOO. in yr2004. WHAT IS GOD telling me?? 

1. frozen left shoulder is due to bloodline karma. My grandma had left breast removed. My aunty healed by GOD. My mum had this after my brother died many years ago but went away. Now my turn. I don't know what's the cause but I have a feeling - when you lost something very dear to you, it will activate the DNA and cause the pain! Damn it, I think the universe wants me to cut the damn bloodline karma for the entire ancestral bloodline! How the hell I know what to do? pls guide me. 

2. I have been calling jesus christ when the kids are sick and ask hubby to pray for me. I know jesus christ the green energy is perfect for healing. Maybe it's time for me to REALLY accept him instead of calling upon him for fun and say hi and bye all the time. Put him in my heart but where will he stand? Kuan yin already on my left and my spiritual animal guide on my right. Maybe it's time for role changing now? I don't know. I don't mind jesus to stand on my left but I don't want to lose kuan yin as i NEED female energy more than I can imagine. Oh dear, maybe i shall just let go and let them decide who shall stand on my left or right for this moment in time. I allow. I allow. I allow. pls guide me.

3. I need Kuan Yin for bloodline karma to dissolve, pls don't leave me until this is done pls. Dear lord jesus you can take away my pain but I think my mission is to cut this bloodline karma, kuan yin, thoth, maat pls guide me or send someone my way to help dissolve my ancestral bloodline karma. Since I'm here where I am, i think someone (ancestral) wants me to do more than just accepting jesus to take away my pain. pls guide me. 

all is well

Done with Kumon Rhyming Words

I think we started this when andrea was 4 yr old, when she started to write and read some simple words. It took us very very long to finish, reason being I'm too lazy! lol ... 

This book we used it hand in hand, the words are easy to read/ teach, really compliment the phonics that the school teach. The pictures are colorful and attractive. Andrea never reject doing this, unless she's busy playing with her toys/ craft. We are moving on to grade 1 reading before I can buy the sentences book. 

Andrea is well on track, such an easy child for now, really blessed and happy to teach her. 

ben Oct12 Shichida

Last term (jul-sept) I was with ben, It worries me when he does not get a single memory game right. For the 3 months, i was talking to myself, maybe he's not ready because he's merely 3 yrs old, other kids, some can do it some still can't. By the end of september, I thought "this can't be right, something must be wrong" because ben is the only student can't even get 1 correct!! gulp! I'm worried that he has some other things like dyslexia which needs to find out early and treat! 

Well, because october I'm with andrea, this makes me less tense with ben, having time to calm down and think what to do for benjamin. I bought these small little cute rubbers from popular (very cheap!) and practice memory game with him, starts with 3 characters. 1st week I really vomit blood because I open and ask him to follow he CAN'T, I worry till wanna kill myself. 2nd week (6th day) was better, now acceptable. Phew ... even hubby comment he will get at least 1 right in class ... I guess my boy, didn't catch the concept earlier on. Phew!!!

Ben is seriously good at maze, both right and left hand. Good at puzzles and blocks too. Confirm he is auditory type of person, hence I need to explore how to be more effective teaching benjamin, I'm like half deaf since young, this is a real challenge to me. Why I didn't have 2 kids of the same kind, sigh ... beating round the bush again! Oh yes, need to do eye training material .... both my kids ... sigh .. didn't catch the concept WHY i said that .. andrea is really slow when doing spotting games and ben on the other hand STARE at the paper when drawing without looking from dot to dot. Aiyoo ... correction time :) I can do it, pls guide me and more positive energy pls. I'm depleting I know, I can feel it. All is well. Amen.  

Kumon Maths

Since Year 1 started, andrea doesn't have alot of homework compared to old kindergarten. I then photostated alot of maths for andrea, Kumon grade 1 & 2, both addition and subtraction. Each book 4 copies, I use my own strategy as I do not know what kumon centre is doing. I feel repetition is the key. 

During my A levels maths, I had pure maths (easy), statistic (medium) and mechanics (killing). However there is one more paper during exam, is to test how fast you can do and 100% sure all student cannot finish, my tuition teacher told me - do as fast as you can and be sure it's correct as you do not have time to check. (the tip is that, this is the only paper to pull up your score in A-levels, dunno how true) Btw, i only have Maths Graded A in A-levels, so i guess my method could not be wrong too far, lol ... Hope it won't kill andrea this way. I learnt speed maths when I was 7 yr old, sitting on the cash counter of my grandfather coffee shop in ipoh, ppl paying was usually Rm20 below and I learnt a way to do maths fast. The method is only known to myself. (I think everyone pick up the same but in different ways). end goal in mind: Speed & accuracy

Kumon grade 1 & 2 maths is a great way to pick up when I do not have a coffee shop for andrea to sit and practice her maths on the spot. She will finish 1 book in 2+ weeks, we are starting grade 2 maths next week then will go back to book 1. The aim is to let her familiarize with the equation and numbers for the 1st round (i asked her to put down the time also) and improve on the time the 2nd, 3rd, 4th round. 1st round time was about 10-20 min for 80-100 question (due to the harder question towards the end of the book). Andrea could only get 100% correct for the 1st few units, after that some mistake here and there but to me was acceptable as definitely will not be more than 8 wrong for 80-100 questions. 

one more unit to end grade 1 addition & subtraction. Andrea told me: 

1. when you see 19 - 15, you cancel 1 infront then only minus 9-5

2. some equation I don't use finger cos i know the answer

I guess she picked up her own method when practicing. I mark the paper and ask her to correct the answer those wrong ones and remind her maths has to be fast and be correct the 1st time. I take this as sharpen the saw hence no stress. I'm very fortunate cos andrea is very obedient and willing to do, god bless me when benjamin's time comes.  

I also have sticker charts for andrea, so far she has claim 1 gift from me and more to come :) Each sticker chart worth RM20, she can accumulate to buy more expensive things. The 1st one she claim a H&M necklace set.

SV - 3&10oct12

So Far benjamin still looks forward to his class, acting really cheeky in class. For the past 3 classes, we did almost the same thing but different content, name the violin parts, sing song with the piano, music mind games tools, how to bow, hold the violin & bow

3oct - ben made a violin box with teacher, he learnt violin body, neck and bridge on the box. Whole note and half note. rabbit or dog bow hold, ben has problem with this as all the finger want to close when the 3rd & 4th fingers close. lol, it's so funny! Sang twinkle twinkle little star when mummy join in, if not the lips are strong as clams (uncooked)

10oct - learnt scroll on the violin. quarter note. still on rabbit bow hold, this time teacher gave a ball and stick for practise. clapping the rhythm is still good. Sang twinkle twinkle again but this time step on an external piano petal, step the rhythm. However ben still doesn't want to sing even I open my mouth singing, enjoyed stepping i think :) 

Teacher praise ben that he had a good memory and is picking up really fast (maybe he is not 3 yet), told me that I had to buy a violin sooner than he thinks, size 1/32 that is. so small and tiny :) 

Down with sorethroat

usually when I'm sick there is nothing I want to do beside sleeping. Today, my girl's classmate mum decided to tell me that she had breast cancer 2 years ago, hence all the promises she made to her boy she must do it. I can see her determination and love for her son. I suddenly do not know why I felt I want to avoid her eyes, maybe i felt inferior as I always give up things when I seem deem impossible. I know I always gave up myself early, well maybe that's in my subconscious mind, if I want to change it I can .. well definitely I can. But I want to say, she is really brave and my prayers goes out to her. 

I hate my sorethroat, i know how the kids are feeling the past weeks, it's so stubborn!! I asked andrea to colour the flower of life, hope that she could recover fast by colouring that, you know ... connecting back to the source hence healing. Maybe it's crap but hey, I believe in crap, mandala helps in concentration and memory, same goes to flower of life connecting your soul back to the source. 

Another friend just called. chat about life. ahh .. she has 4 kids and I have 2. I'm complaining? ahh, life. Love your life. Please let me recover ASAP. I want to feel vitality! give me give me! 

Hello october

Transitioning to the dog month brings too much earth energy, my children and I affected by it big time. Both down with eye infection and benjamin had fever for 4 days, on the 4th day I reluctantly bring him to doctor to get antibiotic. Massage every night but still the bacteria/ virus refuse to go. It could be the energy at home not so stable, hubby was feeling so crabby over the weekend, loves to pin point me, hence energy was not harmony. Should put the crab in the water next time. 

Hopefully by tomorrow everyone could go to school and I can go to my yoga classes. Missed for 2 days now :( My ankle also gave me problem, it could be healing it could be worsen, I have a feeling of my current shoe causes it, as I need to control when walking, as it already loosen. Shall I get a fitflop? 

My emotion is unstable. I suspect the song in my car, that stirs the emotion, or shall I say bring the matter up for me to clear. It was really hard, I wonder how many layers are there for a problem that happened. I will not stop listening it because hubby is there to speed up the clearing, he would not buy in to what I said to him, he would say it's my problem. ahhh, i cried in the car and suddenly just a snap, I felt better ... what happened? I don't know but I'm sure it's multilayer healing when you let go and yearn for a healing that do not serve your highest good. Thank God. 

October is ben's birthday month and my Yoga membership ends. Lots of decision needs to make. May the earth energy be mild on me. All is Well.